The most painful lesson you will learn...


A lot of us find it hard to believe that some of the most painful lessons you will ever learn in life are those lessons that prove there are those you love and give your all to in some way, shape, or form, that seem to never value what you have to offer and in fact belittle everything about you whether its open or seemingly 'hidden'. I understand that everyone goes through it and in fact it's almost necessary in order for you to learn how to become a rose in a world of concrete. But this my dear friend is what I call painful growth.

Painful growth is unavoidable. Why? Because you never know who this painful growth is going to come through. For me it was the ones that I least expected. They were quiet as a mouse. They agreed with everything I said. They made me to believe they believed in me. They never crossed me. And if they did the moment I questioned their authority and pointed out their own life flaws they quickly back peddled understanding it was not necessarily a confrontation with me they were afraid of...and if they knew my past it would be something they did consider...but it was a confrontation of the truth of their own circumstances that would literally cause them to shrink back in shame. 

Have you ever found out through the 'grapevine' that all of your business was put out in the streets although you may have only told one or maybe even a few people? Have you ever walked into a room of people only to find that they are avoiding you due to something they heard that may or may not be true but they chose to believe it anyways? Yes, this is it my friend and it's called painful growth.

But I want to stop right here and say there is good new! The good news is I have actually learned a few things about painful growth that I believe can help you as you move forward. It really helped me.

First thing - pain is an indication of some sort of damage that has been done. Don't ignore it. 

Second thing - pain warns us to take action to prevent further damage. Warning, if the pain has come through someone you 'love' this can be quite a challenge. Sometimes it's hard to believe that something that we love so much can cause us this much pain. But the reality is the longer we don't take action the more pain we will be in simply because we thought it would go away on its own. But let's face it - when you are stabbed you must remove the knife. You can't ignore the knife out. You can't shout the knife out. You can't even love the knife out. You have to have the knife removed to prevent further damage.

Third thing - People experience pain and describe it differently. Let no one minimize and try to describe your pain. And note the people who usually try to do this are the perpetrators. They want to control how long that knife stays in because if they can keep the knife in they can push at will. They can leave it in, leave your life for a few months, come back and push that knife deeper. Remember, part of the painful growth is removing that knife. By removing the knife it denies access to anyone who is coming to inflict more damage.

Fourth thing - Your brain decides what to do about the pain. For example if you touch a hot surface a message will travel and your muscle will contract and pull your hand away. It happens so fast that it hadn't reached the brain yet. But once the message from that muscle reaches the brain it will relay the message and be felt. The brain could either release dopamine and you not really feel it at the time or not release the dopamine and  you scream in pain. In other words you can be numb or reactive. Also, it can be long or short term depending on how you process pain. Growing from someone deliberately setting out to sabotage and belittle your life is a process. If you are numb it will probably take some time for you to realize in fact that knife wound is hurting you and you should probably remove it. (That person/people) If you are reactive then you immediately removed the knife and began the process of feeling the immediate impact of the pain.

Final thing - Now that you are in painful growth you can't skip over it, you can't ignore it, and you can't pray it goes away. You must manage it. Managing 'painful growth' is called process. 

Now here are my keys to managing painful growth:

  • Acknowledge the damage - be honest with yourself where you are at in your pain. 
  • Pull out the knife - cut off the person, people, situation, that stabbed you at least for a season until you are healed. A wound can never heal with the knife still in it.
  • Love yourself enough to go get treatment to manage your pain. The goal is to heal and move forward.

Find your management system. Some people see a therapist, others see counselors, others see their pastors, but no matter what choose to find a professional that can help you manage your pain until you're healed. Sometimes it may be one treatment. Other times it may take several treatments of many different types of pain management systems. But the key is locating your system and sticking to it. As a side note - Apologies are great and may help with the healing process, but more often than not you must heal on your own for a bit before even considering allowing the people/person back in your life that caused the trauma. The knife is extracted. Keep it out. 

As a final note from my personal experience - Having been through and still going through this ' painful growth' myself - the main way I manage my pain is through prayer. When do I apply the prayer?  I pray AFTER the knife is extracted. Why after? When the knife also known as the person or group of people is removed there can be no more further damage.  Why prayer?  What prayer does for me is brings me into the reality of the total. What is the total? The total is we are all human beings on this earth created by God and assigned to complete our purpose and destiny. Having this view says two main things: 

  1. Those assigned to my 'permanent destiny' have no ending in my story. Although Judas was assigned to Jesus it was temporary and had and ending. Sometimes ending's aren't happy. When someone wishes to no longer be apart of your story especially by 'painful growth' grant them their wish. It's not only for your benefit but possibly for their own good. Like my grandma use to say,'You never miss the water until your well runs dry." 
  2. Painful growth will be apart of life so you must learn how to manage it. When its not managed it has the ability to stop you from living a blessed life and completing purpose and destiny.
  3. Manage, manage, and live free!!!

        Yours Truly

       ~APV Crystal Sherie

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